I will get better.

I'm not happy that I haven't done my year in review of 2012 yet, but I am also content to not beat myself up anymore. I did enough of that last year. I am not really the type to have New Year resolutions, either, so instead I have a general focus: I will be better.

I have more than a lot to write about right now, but again, I am trying to keep from beating myself up. I am trying to be more than just surviving. I am trying to thrive. I will admit that it is a bit easier said than done right now.

I have never struggled with the weather this much in the winter before. Ok, strike that. The only other winter I had a hard time with was the last one I lived in SLC. I am feeling similar sensations again, with the end in sight, but annoyingly distant, too. The weather here is horrific. Smog is an understatement. Maybe China is worse, and maybe I'm just complaining, but the grey stink is killing my soul. I missed my old home last night, and joined my baby in crying a bit, him teething and me aching for the kind of crisp air that gives you a rush, and the sight of the Milky Way blazing overhead. I miss the smell of sharp pine needles and ice on the river, and wet leaves under the snow. Instead, I am telling myself I'm ok while the air around me smells of a burning dog shit.

I know, for a "new year" post, it's a bit dreary. I'm not going to candy coat it. I am so sick of that. Sometimes, life sucks ass. Sometimes you just need to bitch a little. And sometime you need to be grateful, too.

My husband has been the bright light in the fog, that's for damn sure. Even my wee boy has worn me down a bit, breaking teeth and exerting his dominance everywhere. I don't like to get after him for being curious, but lately he has been more menace than mama's little man. His little eyes narrow into blue triangles, glinting at me while he repeats the exact thing I told him no. Thank God for the weekly emails that tell me that my child is entering a new developmental stage, and that being a giant pain in the ass is completely normal, or I might have reason to worry. I think I have a smart boy on my hands. Too smart, perhaps.

I am working now, and I have been learning to juggle life in a faster lane. I have been trying to find time for everything. Sometimes laundry gets left in the dryer. I don't have time to sleep in unless Hubby gives up his time, which luckily means I get an extra hour on Saturdays. (Hooray!) I am staying up later after baby goes to sleep to make sure that my house is reset for the next day. It's not always easy, but it's working out. I take my wee boy with me to work, so I have to have diaper bags and lunches packed and food prepared for dinner that night, all ready for things to go into motion when I need it.

I am trying to find my routine again. For all that I have gone through in the past few months, and for all the adjustments I have am making even daily, I know that I am slowly but surely getting there. I am not where I want to be yet. I have so many changes to accomplish in the next year to get just a few steps closer to where I want to be. But the journey itself is what draws me in. I am doing my best to be patient, with myself, and with those around me, so that my journey is one of positive memories.

More soon. Time is on my side.