I. I am thoughtful. I am contemplating the things I want in life.
I want a house far away from other people. I want to be able to sit naked on my front porch with a dog at my feet, drinking coffee in the warm sunlight, talking to my husband. He'll probably be eating a plate of eggs and toast. He would want to have collected the eggs himself, chatting up his darling hens every morning.
I want a shady pasture with two horses. Not one, because they get lonely. And maybe a quirky goat, to stand on the feeder and "meh" at me. I want to watch the sun create rainbows in the irrigation sprinklers during the summer. I want to see animal trails in the snow during the winter.
I want trees. Hazelnut and cherry, apricot and plum. Apples and pears and walnut. I want a willow just for the bark, and a red maple to remind me of my childhood. Maybe they can't all grow where I will live, but I will want them nonetheless.
I want a funny, slightly older SUV that I haul around kids, goats and dogs in. I want a little garden with too many tomatoes and not enough carrots. I want water nearby, be it a little canal, creek, river or pond. I want flowers growing everywhere, with no particular order, because every spring I buy seed packets and scatter them to the wind.
I want to build my own home, so when the lights go out, I know where all the wires are, and what quirks the floorboards have, and where we got a deal on our front door. I want a big soft bed that always has a cat on it, and a living room with lots of windows to see deer outside.
I want a place my children always love. A place that they will ways want to come back to, no matter what. A place where time slows down, life is simpler and right and wrong are somebody else's terms.
I want to travel to places that are lonely. Mountains and quiet valleys, the places that are forgotten. I want to feel God in the lonely places, because I don't think he cares to find me in the crowds. I think he expects me to put some effort into finding him. I don't mind. Why dwell in a poorly designed church when you can be on a mountain top??
I want to grow my contentment. I am finding it again, slowly. I am realizing I am so much more capable than before. I find deep contentment in my own actions, and it surprises me.
I want my husband to grow with me. I don't worry about that, though. He and I have something undefined, but steady, beautiful and perfect. He just has to keep coming after me, with eyes deep with intent, never quite satisfied, and I will be forever happy.
I want this much, and more.