Mama time

Oh God, it has been a while. I have been composing posts in my head, for over a month. Why have I done such things, without writing these thoughts down? Oh, who knows. I am a little bit wasted, having drink a botte of wine to myself. I am also watching Alice in Wonderland, which always does strange things to me. Lewis Carrol is close to my heart, but strange, very very strange. Oh God, a Bandersnatch!

Anyways, I have been absent, but trust me, not because I really want to. I have been aching to write, but have felt a blockage. Lately, I have been overcoming lots of things. I have been dealing with heath issues that have made me feel rather insignificant. I have had bronchitis, and then just in the last few days, I have had a gall bladder attack, a weird jaw/ear pain and overwhelming tiredness. Well, maybe the tiredness comes from night weaning my 16 month old baby. It has been long nights of holding a screaming, angry baby. I have had wins and losses each night. It has been one of he hardest things I have ever done, asking my son to give up his closest comfort. I love nursing him, but it is getting harder and harder the longer I do it. Every period and ovulation I get extreme nipple pain, and I have such a hard time keeping it up. I am so torn. I love to nurse my sweet boy, but it is time.

I have been trying my best to overcome such growing pains. I have been struggling with illness, diet issues, differences in beliefs, learning to live in close quarters. I have felt such strains before, but for some reason, I have never felt such a collapse of personal strength. I have been sick, so much so that I have felt a collapse of strength. I long for silence, the kind that comes with brilliant stars and crisp, clear air, the kind that doesn't exist within cities. I am biding my time, for now. I am dormant. That is fine for now. Dormancy can suit me for now.

I am, for sure, biding my time. I am waiting for the strength to rebuild itself, the kind that comes in waves, in stages, that builds and builds until feel powerful again. I don't like it here, it's terribly crowded. Am I mad, Alice? I'm afraid so, terribly bonkers. But all the best people are. Maybe I'm one of those best people, terribly bonkers, but so longing for the perfect life, the quiet, the creative, and the creative, all at once. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

I am sad, for now. Maybe I need time to realize my potential here. It's something that is hard to do, rediscovering oneself in a new place. It takes time, energy, and sometime, illness. I will get better. I just need time, and lots of love.

Wish me love.