If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to
Oh, lyrics. You know how to hit me like a runaway train at just the right moment. You remind me of who I am and who I'm not. It can hurt, but sometimes it's like peeling off a festering scab and letting it bleed a little. In the end, it will heal, with the right amount of irritation and fresh air and sunlight. Oh, you'll have a scar, but why not? Battle wounds become me. I have never been afraid of scars, even on my face.
Yeah, I know. I'm not really making much sense. I just have so much going on inside right now, so much that if I can't get it out somewhere, I might have to run around the neighborhood for a while, and I think it's like 24 degrees outside right now. Sometimes I feel like my thoughts are bigger than my body. Do you ever feel like that? Like you need more space to think because you have so much that you are capable of? Yikes. Fantastic, but a little overwhelming, too.
Ok, so here is what's rolling around in my head: I am destined for a wild life (oh wait, I'm already there. it gets MORE wild!?!?) and I am so excited for that. I know that I have a lot to learn. I know that I am making mistakes and learning from them every single day. Everything I do matters, no matter how small or insignificant it might seem. Every kiss I give my son. Each embrace I give my husband. Each inner moment I tell myself that I am stronger than I know. Everything counts.
I am still struggling some days. I have made a commitment to myself to BE STRONG, EVEN IN THE DARKEST MOMENTS, EVEN IN THE FACE OF FEAR AND DANGER. That, in itself, can be the most intimidating thing I have ever faced: the possibility of letting myself down. I can be strong for my husband and my son, but can I do it for me? That is the ultimate question. That is why weight loss, changing habits, moving far away can be so hard. You have to remind yourself all the time that to let yourself down is NOT ok. You are your toughest critic. Be better than you expected.
And when I look in the mirror, I don't always like what I see. I see something that doesn't fit what my inner critic expects. So I keep working. I am always working, be it on my appearance, my mind, my heart, my soul, everything. I matter so much. So, so much.
So now I have gotten it out: I matter. I will not fade into that good night. I will stand fast, and clash with the wallpaper. I will be that person who wears the too-short skirt to a formal event, and I will never get my hair right because it is always a bad hair day, even on good days. I will always look a little out of place, and I will always be working on trying to find a place to put my hands. The good thing is that I will never, ever, ever, give up.